=)

I went to business meeting with A long term customer who really underestimate me by judging at my age... Their Corporate managers Emphasis on QUALITY of Our Product while I emphasis on their PAYMENT DELAY OF 29 DAYS.... It was like a never ending Debates... And my Operation Manager who suppose to back me up.. was in fact busy refilling cappuccino again and again, and munching at the cakes and sweets ... =_____=

Snow

That time When you were approaching me... I was glancing at another dimension.. Then some time later I feel your presence , and I decided to turn at you.. But now, I could only see a diminishing shadow .. a shadow that is moving away.. Perhaps I shouldnt have decided turn at you.. I should just pretend to ignore you... So that I could always feel your presence.. even without seeing you..

Embarassement

It was an embarrassment towards the center of the earth... what disgust me can only be said cant be told... cant control and cant be understood...

The Dark Ages..

Today is my mp judging.. it doesnt go that well..

I couldnt let go that friendship that almost collapse... and yet.... yet I couldnt let it go...

The dark ages will be fallen upon me... I can forsee...

The wall in my deepest heart is crumbling apart... no tears to drop ... I am just so sad... Why couldnt I express my mind to anyone... friendship that I do not have... I have to always put this mask on my face to tell them that i am fine... how could I? how could anyone? hear my story...

they says guy wouldnt cry... well I dont.... but deep inside my mind is flooding with tears that I have been trying to hold for ages.. I couldnt... I couldnt tell anyone for good damn sake...

I am like staring at the empty seas... in the empty oceans... in the empty meadows... when rain and thunderstorm blushed me away.... Who could give me a sense of comfort....? or... or it is just a halutination that I possesses ever since I was born.. ?

In Relationship

For the first time in my life.. today I am in relationship.. well.. a lil bit embarrassing cuz... Miue was the one who confesses to me first... and I told her, I couldnt give her any answer... cuz I fall for Yuki now..

However Miue asks me to put the rela thingy in facebook with her.. "for fun...", she said... well ... I did it at her request... but just for a few days...

So am I in relationship? well.. perhaps partly yes... It is not that I dont like Miue... The whole world knows that I used to like her.. and actually.. I do all this is just because I care for her... I do not want her to get disappointed.. I am falling for Yuki now.. I just be honest to her abt this...and I am glad she understands this...

Thank you God for giving me such an understanding friend... and perhaps 'Girlfriend'... for now...

The journey ends...

Didnt You know that I am the one you created have feelings? perhaps you have just forgotten as you keep showering me with obstacles in my life..

Today marks the end of my journey in Cent, so does my journey in anywhere else. The room is being cleaned, the new maincom arised.. new rules... and rules at it seems regardless all the execption... My locker seems to be going to get removed, so does my card access too just like all the year threes' that is going to get recognition during the AGM for the services.... I was not part regarded as part of anything... I am an outcast even within my own people...

My fate perhaps... that i have to stand alone again... forgetting all that is seems to be too hard to forget... especially all the friends that I have made in cent club.. I couldnt afford to forget... But i have to... Life has never been fair to me... Today was an awesome performance... and awesome outing... farewell guys....

My life seems too pain much more than death itself....

I and Yuki had a quarell last nite... She tried to know who is my crushed... so send me this "love metre" website... without hesistation i put in the name of my crushed, being curious to know what would be the reading of the application... I was fooled.. The application actually send the name to a common domain in which yuki could find out who my crushed is... as I wrote "myo myat soe (muie) and Yuki".... she commented... "haha I know who your crushed is... myo and me"...

trully I was furious... as a guy.. I promised that I wouldnt talk to her forever... despite being unable to sleep to the rest of the night... confused... of what i have done...

Life sees no boundaries... My life is getting more terrible day by day... I could not say anymore... I have no where to go now... simply... I feel like running away forever... I hope I will never return back ... never..

Myo (miue) is now no difference to Siew Ting... we are close... and yet so further apart... and I didnt wish to be together too... they are such a precious friend that i have...

save me my god... just lift me up... get me away from all these sufferings...

Pondering upon the empty soil

the only thing about fear is fear its self. That is the quotation that I am trying to educate myself to.

What is fear?
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat.
and that is according to wikipedia .com

but what really fear is.. Things that happen today , before and will happen tomorrow in my life has a profound puzzle that is waiting to be cracked.

people can precieve me for being to emotional or closeminded at some part of my feeling. But really it breaks the gender codes. Generally guys do not talk about feeling even if they are really feeling down... They only whack each other's shoulder and just let problems passes.. however I believe not all guys the same.. we are part of the uniqueness of living being created by the devine hands... be it perfect or imperfect both has to flow within acceptence and logical means....

Most of the time I am trying to break the code of the devine gift.. I am trying my self to alter other's perspective about me so much that I ignore my own emotional needs.. Everything seems to fall for the game and not from the game .

Phobia

I wasn't taking about whether it is fair or not fair.

My limit has been stretched again. Still I couldnt understand the simplicity of life it self. What could I find from my profound self satisfaction. I could really go mad. I really do.

When I came back to singapore.. I could really see whats going to happen.

My friends will forget me..
Kevin will be indifferent to me..
Yunzhong will be more busy ...
I will be forgotten from any cca I join..
I will see my classmate again after 6monthes... Those who are Beyond Boundaries's virus...
and here it comes... the whole cycle begins again, full loneliness with mental deterioration...

I am still in indonesia, and it has been for a week now I miss school. I told my friends that I am sick. but the truth is.. I am not... I am too scared to return to Singapore.. really I am...

Bleak..

I am staring at the moon to night..

I ponder on how complicated my life is...

Why do I have to life in different world at a short time..

I envy NaiWang

I envy YunZhong..

I envy Kevin..

I envy those who could have a simple life..

a simple thought..

with no worry of distant future..

with less burden of unforgiving past...

Crazy prost

I am now at My company vegetable and fruits warehouse. It is kind of chilly here cuz the chiller is On. My job now is to control the flow of goods in and out the warehouse.

I kind of empty here in indonesia. Eventhough works and responsibility occupy my thoughts, there is still an empty room in my life. I feel lonely. All my indonesian friend has been gone somewhere else. Haiz.. Somehow I missed all my friends in singapore;

Naiwang,
Kevin,
Yuki,
Zack
Nicholas,
Yunzhong,
Indrani,
raihana,
siew ting..
and maybe eveline..

My life seems to be always incomplete. No matter where I go, No matter what I do. I couldnt be content with my self. I couldnt have a normal life like everyone else..

few days ago I made my company won S$240000 worth of contract.. and 2moro there will be another bidding for frying oil. I hope I could succeed again this time...

Nonetheless, I feel so lonely . My msn is blocked, and I could hardly get into facebook. I really had no one to chat to.. Instead now I made friends with some gangsters in the wholesale markets... fuyooh... They thought me how to extort money from the shop-keepers.. haha.. But i wouldnt do such thing... I had enough money on my pockets..

I am kind of scared if I go to wholesale market. The prostitute there, just couldnt stop eying on me. They were offering me free of charge "service".. and everytime I had to make up new excuses to decline their offer politely.. If i offend them they might call their "clients" who are mostly gangsters to beat me up..

But a 3 days ago was the last time I went to wet market.. one of the prost, at around my age, pretended that she was hit by a motorbike and asked me for help... I was reluctant to help, yet i bring here in to my pick-up . when I was searching for Emergency-kit , she locked the door and pushed me into the front seat.. she is suddenly when on top of me...and you know.. what.. ( I shall now describe further) ...Gosh.. I didnt know what to do.. I thought this time round being "polite" shall not work anymore... I quickly get out from the car.. and I shouted at her to really get lost from my pick up.. as soon as I shouted, she "miraculously" could walk normally.. the other prostitute and my "friends" were apparently nearby my pick up and they were jeering at her.. some how.. I gained more popularity in the market.. But i yet felt totally awful..

until now I am still having phobia to go to the wholesale market.. actually, I am fine with people in the market calling me handsome and hot and all.. But please.. Know your limits.. like totally..

Kong Kong de sheng hou

My life is very empty now.. I have no body to trust... Even if I do... they are not here with me.. It has always be unfair for me.. If anyone would befriend with me now, It must out be out of pity and not because the will of nature.. In this stage it seems that no one could help me.. I could not even help myself out of this misery...

Running away from the reality.

There will not be a single self-satisfaction that I will get as long as I am trying to run away from the reality.

This company of mine now has a gross revenue of approx. S$100000 per month as compared to S$20000 per month when it was first started last year. But I do not have own self satisfaction. Not at all. Because , this company success is a mere escape of my own reality in Singapore. That I am a failure there, I could not befriend with Chinese, I could not befriend with those people I want to befriend with. No one knows this. Whenever everyone in my country congratulate me for my promotion, I could only smile a little.. There is in my mind.. a floating shadow of my failure in Singapore.

The day after tomorrow ,my company was invited to an action for Procurement of Frying oil by airport catering service . This contract worth more than S$50K per month. If I could get the tender This will indeed be a great leap forward. Yet I couldn't smile as usual, bcos the fact that I am running away from the reality in Singapore always lingers in my mind.

Failed Escape

This is the fourth day since I have arrived here in Indonesia for my holiday. This time round is kind of different. I could not find peace in my heart, even during my holiday in Indonesia. I do not not why.. It seems that my heart keep worrying about something invisible. I have tried not to think negatively too much. But I couldnt .

Yunzhong keeps occupying his mind on his own self-fulfilling business. He became so much self-centred now. I am even more worried cuz I do not have a common friend with him. I do not have anything now. If God still want to take my friendship with him away... I have no much thing to say. I simply do not want to defy the will of destiny.

Friendship means a lot in my life. It worth more than love and even my own family. My mentality is crashing down faster than ever.... I could not find peace anywhere in my life... Not even here in my hometown.. I feel like dying... seriously I do..

The dying soul

The greatest Sin that I have commited , is for not being able to leave this friendship to the will of nature.. Is for being persistant that in order someone to be regarded as friend , they have to hang out together.. That particular incentive of our friendship has turn into a great phobia of yours which take a long time to heal.. while time is something i do not have.. I keep pushing it in my subconcious mind particularly when I do not have control upon my self esteem.. I am so scared I am going to turn more than being mad.. I am so scared..



I really hope that I could stop weeping on things that are gone and start treasuring things that I own... Forgive me for my presence may be a burden and my existence a mere annoyence.


My mind is too preoccupied with trying to assemble the broken mirror... the wrong thoughts and mis-understanding some people had on me .. how could you alter human perception? How could we rejuvinate our dying reputation from the eyes of the other people who decide to walk way before I could even speak? should I just keep quiet about it and just treasure what I have pretending everyting is fine, while those lies and misunderstanding spread like cancer trying to infiltrate my entire social cycle... until, I have no where to go.. No body to trust.. ?


I am confused.. I am scared.. My enemies not only exist all around me, - as people whom I wanted to be friend with but things do not go right, due to sudden change in my character that leads to serious misunderstanding-, but also exist deep inside my subconsious mind... I feel I am living in a body I could not fully control, beseiged by my own thoughts who defy my commands.. I am scared... totally...


I am tired and ignorant on where to go for the rest of my life.. believing something I could not afford to believe, exploring the unexplorable.. And I feel too tired to do all things cuz I have a reason why I could not voice up my thoughts.. If you meant I could not walk.. I have been walking smoothly for the rest of my life.. pondering the empty voice of wildreness and I start to explore the unexplorable.. I hate to move on .. cuz I had no voice to say out my words.. and I do not want to believe things that does not involve me at all.. as I speak and as I listen.. everyone seems to turn into a dol .. and yes a dol as it seems.. i would like to dance on my empty stage when all cracks on the podium is getting larger than ever.. please stop shouting and let me just carry on with my life.. I do not want to be alone as long as i exist before i am gone.. It seems to be snatched away, the mask of confidence and the robe of passion I wore last summer.. and as I age , continuously wailing upon the empty sorrow...



If another chance shall i get, let me burn this night with the candle light.. though it aint so bright.. at least I could find the light that would provide me with some sense of delight.. let all those sorrow get away, out from my sight.. just for tonight.. the dream of a night, i plight. that the light shall guide and my hope shall hold me thight...


The day seems bleak.. I dare not to speak.. perhaps I should continue pretending to be meak.. so that my presence, shall no longer seen as a burden ..and when I speak , everyone would listen.. Thus my existence shall not be forgotten.. I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.. as the chain on my chest is getting thighter and as I speak I could only whispher with my deminishing voice... when heard.. people can only ponder, they can only wish, one day i gonna recover.. the blood flows down from my wrist, and drop from slowly... It goes on and on.. just like the sorrow which i have to follow...

within this shadow.. tell me.. why my voice is so mellow.. Engulfed in sorrow, the curse fall upon my every red bone marrow.. what can be found below.. is only the empty and dark shadow, that stalks me all the way to the centre of this meadow.. where could i find the rainbow? for i have burn down the forest of willow and therefore the newly grown sprouts below can grow.. but where could i find the rainbow? if today I should ponder and tomorrow I shall wonder.. and surely before my time should end, i would have already been torn apart..just like my hope and dreams who decided to depart from my heart.. leaving me as nothing but an outcast, endlessly haunted by my unforgiving past..


Why am I created so differently from others? argh..

This night i plight that tomorrow i shall recover my sight.. so that i could see the humans who hiding behind their cover, the best disguise master who never surrender.. Tonight , the sky is bright.. one thousand moons seem to fill the heaven.. angels decent down to earth, delivering blessing and good tidings to all mindkind.. yet I keep on silence till morning, and no one is coming.. It seems that I was a missed.. Again for another year.. perhaps i shall keep waiting for another ten thousand years.. and perhaps i shall keep pretending, attempting to content every drip of tears..

Let me sublimes into the thin aor.. blown at the mercy of northern breeze.. so that Ez'rail , the angel of death could not find me.. the benign earth wouldnt swallow me.. the raging fire wouldnt burn me.. the chilling water wouldnt drown me.. and the curse could no longer dweel on me..

When shall the moonson arrive? I just want to find my way back... I just want to go home..

And yet... I do not know where is my home..

love life

I browsed thru my diary last night... I opened ofew pages, that turn life upside down..



Lovelife--

" Listen to my voice , My god the almightly who are in absolute control of things that happen within and around me.. Listen for I am too small to be recognised.. for my voice is too soft to be heard by mortals.. listen... for my existence maybe a burden... "

The history of my Love life-

Elfira-
when I was kind of close to her, all of sudden I decided to disappear from her life cycle, because I believed I was not ready to love.. I am still burdened By my past secondary school enemy who are trying to make mylife miserable here in temasek polytechnic.. When things are settled... Everything is too late.. But I am very happy though, elfi founded her true love, and was eventually able to abandon her past memory behind...

my last message to her

' thanks for talking to me... I hope you will always blessed on every journey u take.. and I will love you as always.. take care.. =)'

It took me 1 year before I talked to elfi again... This time as a friend..

But everytime I listen to the music "marrie more" or when TP mass dance is played... I could always feel that I dropped my tears.. as I remember... The first time I dance this with was with her..










The first video you could see me (on the upper row-with long hair) ,din , elfi (an e-guide who wear black jacket with pink stripes) , and saidil (holding to a white heart-shaped balloon, which later is being given to elfi), all of them were on the lower row... It was roughly 2 monthes before elfi and saidil became attached.. I was catched by the camera... when saidil teases elfi.. I could only stunned at them... I felt like crying sia.. lolx.. Look at my face... like so stupid... haha..

Last time I and Din was very close. and I knew elfi from din. Cuz you know... din used to have crushed on elfi... haha... so that was the very early begining... I was kind of puzzled cuz usually din studied with me... but at that point of time every wednesday he would "tutor" elfi... and it seems that he did not want to get disturbed at all.. haha.. well.. and then he suddenly not close to her, but then I became close to her... and then... well.. I think I shall stop here.. if you wanna know , ask me personally.. haha.. (elfi- peace =D)


But those doesnt matter... Now everything has changed.. I do not have the same feeling towards elfi as what I had to her few years ago... I regard her a friend of mine.. she will be always be a history in my life.. a good one.. and a memorable one..


(elfi- chill , dont kill me for I am writing a post about you... haha)



---to be continued

I regret being a human

My brain is just start collapsing today... I am freaking angry with God... with myself.. and with people who abandon me.. Why no one wants to hear to my story.? Do they care if I exist? all my closest friend only want to know me as a cheerful guy who bears no problems... I am stucked with all this fucking problems in my brain... I cant talk to anyone... while I have to maintain my morality , keep my emotion perfect so that my reputation will not drop..

God... I hate this freaking life... I swear... Can I just.. Just Gone from this entire earth... I dont want to die either cuz that will lead me to hell for sure.. I just wanna Go.. To another dimension..
Just dissappear...

No one would understand and no one would bother that whenever I reached home.. My eyes always drenched in tears.. no one would question that... I could not take it anymore my god.. I seriously I am... Humans are arrogant creature... when they are happy they will forget about people like me.. I do not want to categorize myself as a human.. I rather be an animal..

Unfair

It has been monthes since I decided to change . Here you can see the difference in me in just one year. I changed my hair style so many times. My weight vary from 55 to 68 then down again to 54. My character changes so many times from being friendly and hack care abt what people think abt me to being oversensitive and narcist.

I am devastated so many times.

-Rejection by jessy teo

-The rejection By miue

-Miue was sent back to thailand

-Friendship Breakdown with marcus.

-Was not selected to join program team in week zero.

-Rejection By siew ting.

-No one really remembers by 20th Birthday.

-Friendship break down with yeow hon and ada.

-2ND rejection by siew ting.

-Yunzhong ignores me for 2 monthes.

-Kevin ignore me for 2 monthes.

-rejection by eveline.

-Eveline Confesses to yunzhong in front of me.

-Yunzhong rejects eveline.

-Eveline leaves our social cycle forever.

-There is no common friend between me and yunzhong.
-Fall in love to cassandra koh.
-Abandoning cassandra koh because I am afraid to fall in love again...

what more do u want my God? I am tired of changing my character again and again just to suit the environment around me. I am really tired. I believe I am a man without dignity now. I have been dropping my dignity infront of girls everytime I am rejected. and infront of my friends (yunzhong, kevin, marcus, etc) everytime friendship breakdown and I have to apologise be it or not I am in fault , cuz I need that friendship.. I need friend.. I am here living in singapore by myself, and since i could not love only friendship can replace the effection that I did not have from my family... but people mistakenly take it as I am being 'Gay' or 'desperate' or whatever shit they may think..

This is totally unfair to me... Really... It is..



Current FriendShip Status ... Fragility = high



Best Friends:

Kevin Chng
Kang Yunzhong

Close Friends:
Naiwang
Luqman Ang

Good Friends:
Zack
Shaoren
Wendy K
Nick
Raihana
Indrani
Adawiyah


Outside Social Cycle:
Mansur
YeowHon
Cassandra
Eveline
Muie
Elfi
SiNing
Weilun
Clement
Etc etc

fuck off

I am under seriously mentality dillemma... I have been deleting people from my facebook, even if they are innocent... so far...

siew ting,
mansur
yeow hon
kevin chng
jun yuan
cassandra koh

Seriously dont ask me why... very soon no one is going to recognise me... too much pressure fallen on my face... I couldnt cope anymore as no one is willing to listen to my story... no one...

Eveline is giving me stupid problem... I am cought in boredom and pressure... people around me are too preoccupied with themselves... Let me be most hated person on the whole face of the planet... I dont care... if you hate me... just seriously... fuck off.. fuck off from my entire life...

Blah Blah

It has been days since i last blog.

These days I have becoming more close minded, even to my own blog. I want to keep my problem by my own , since I find no point of sharing it to someone else.

tomorrow and for the next 30 days is a fasting month. I would fast, and I hope this fasting month I could be a good muslim, a good man.

There are too many things to share. Many things had happened in my life for the past a week. I rather keep quiet.

urgh

My brother is teasing me for liking a Bruce... (dunno how to spell)

Pissed

I am super pissed. Time for lunch later. I have to eat alone.

Time!!!

Check out my schedule (For ISC NDC performence)

Training dates are as following:


Thursday (15/7): Training from 6-8PM
Friday (16/7): Training from 6-8PM
Saturday (17/7): Training from 10AM-5PM (Break between 12-1PM)
Monday (19/7): Training from 6-8PM
Tuesday (20/7): Training from 6-8PM
Wednesday (21/7): Show performance items to advisors (Ms Boey & Mrs Radha) at 6PM outside TCC
Thursday (22/7) - Saturday (24/7): Training as usual
Monday (26/7) to Wednesday (28/7): Show performance items to NDC Committee
Thurs (29/7) to Fri (30/7): Training as usual
Sat (31/7): No Training
1st week of Aug: Training at TCC. Timings to be confirmed.

Training Groups:

Group 1 - Wendy, Demetry, Jing Jing, Zack, Aye Thiri Soe, Su Thet, KYAWT YUPAR THIN, OSCAR MAUNG, NYEIN NYEIN HNIN, YEE MON MIN AUNG, ZIN THIRI, YUKI
Group 2 - Randunu + 4 Sri Lanka performers, Dharmendra
Group 3 - Huang Tian, Zhang ShiPu, Benny, Madhuri

And as a SELECTED director I have to come for ALL the training to as supervisor.

As a SELECTED script writer , I lead the script writing team to make the final script by 2 moro.

As a SELECTED flutist , I have to find the music note, create the orchestra and make a cheographic movement.

Check out my schedule for Cent Video Editing

Next week : The whole week.

Video editing

Weekend:

Video editing

Deadline : in 2 weeks

Check out my schedule for Cent nightcycling

(wah... I dun want to mention that)

and yeah.... I have major project too..

Next tuesday = Video and sound editing software presentation.

-and untill now I havent make any PP slide yet.

This weekend?

friday = ISC BBQ

Saturday= ISC SINGAPORE CHALLENGE - interinstitution

Wht if suddenly disaster struck and those thing canceled?

Good question. But still.

Friday = Night cyling trial

Saturday = Night cyling game creation or PBL editing

It requires more than one luck to make me free...

And my point is... If anyone there think they are the busiest dude on earth!! think again... Think again... Time is not something you can spare, but it is something you should make... !!

ugh

Dear blog I had a serious mental breakdown yesterday. I am yet to understand the fact that despite having so many friends I had no one to count to. No body is actually close enough to me. I do not have anyone whom I can share my problem with.

I am seriously puzzled how so many people change so fast in no time. I could not cope with that, because i never believe that change is actually nature and not nurtured. Do I play a big role in the course of change it self? I am certainly not sure. Maybe some , but not all.

How can you explain when someone is suddenly become so close to me in no time. That is indeed easier to understand than if i tell you someone is leaving me away in no time. Some time I believe it is not my problem at all.

I am not handsome. I cannot attract friend and keep them intact. Though I agree I am just a freaking ugly dude who tries to be cool and handsome , wears the best attire he has just to let the whole world know he is cool, there he is and friends...? walla.. come to him immediately!!

It doesnt work as wht i planned always. The outcome is always gruesome .. I see more malay girls poking eyes on me , gays trying to be my friend, and worse come to worse some pedophile (if you can consider me as a child) approach me asks me for sex in exchange of money..

here i am just to be direct to you. Yeah whoever are you.. my blog reader.. I just couldnt cover the fact much longer. Haiz.. I am very tired of complement saying that I am handsome and such, but until this very day more than 20 years I live in this planet, I am still single , I have never hugged a girl, touch her hand with true love...

I am tired of this solitude.. Not saying that I want to fuck 10 girls in on days or such.. haiz... I just want to love, properly... and nothing more.. I really wonder every time i fall in love in the past it always stuck in a dead end.. it is just .. girls never give me a chance to love them, they would judge me by my bad appearance and that is all..

wht type of live prison I living now... argh.. god dammit...

Naiwang and Luying

Naiwang broke relationship with luying. I forced him to do so, since Luying was reluctant to even say wheather she loves him or not, resoning "I used to love him for 2 monthes but he reasoned that he doesnt have strong feeling to her yet". Luying seems to seek for revenge. and summore, Luying's parents are very mad because she was in relationship, and Naiwang's parents too towards Naiwang.

Naiwang asked me if i can accompany him at night 2 days ago. My rooms was locked by my brother who came earlier and slept so peacefully that even i kicked the door for almost 20 times, he is still in deep asleep. so I went to sleep with Naiwang.

after an hour of silence he cries for almost 2 hours thoughout the entire night, I didnt know wht to do , I was just , padding him, asking him to calm down. It is definetely undeniable that Luying is very pretty, but her character is surely unsuitable for Naiwang. She seems to treat Naiwang more as her dog these days. And Naiwang despite knowing this fact, has no other choise but to obey, being afraid that she may get disillutioned towards him otherwise.


Now The entire universe knows what is a true friend, and what is a true love. For me, friendship will only last where mutual understanding and respect is still exist, otherwise I will definitely leave it to rot whatever the consequences are. I am not scared of being alone, not anymore.

I hate liar since the very beginning.

=.=

I am seriously looking for trouble. Yesterday I texted miue for fun while I clearly knew that she is still dully attached to anthony, in a long distance relationship. If she "reported" to anthony, I will be a dead meat soon.

KYZ EVE

Yesterday I almost "exploded" infront of yunzhong... I was so pissed off to eveline... She gave the 28 dollars to yunzhong to be passed back to me...

why she has to return the money that i actually used to treat her ?
why she must passed to yunzhong rather than directly give it to me?
Is is trying to avoid me?
true enough she doesnt answer any of my msg neither my call for a week now ... she says she is very bz... well only the almightly and eveline herself would know the real truth... I was speechless the whole night... too sad to even cry...

I am seriously pissed off with God..Why must I like a girl that has a secret love with yunzhong, my friend?

I tried to tell me myself again and again, that yunzhong is indeed innocent, he doesnt do anything wrong.. Eveline just fall to him by herself.. and yunzhong himself hardly entertains her..

God.. I hope this "like" shall never changed to "love".. I do not want to lose both eveline and yunzhong.. I would rather lose my own life... haiz.. Yunzhong is one of the best buddies I ever have, and eveline... haiz.. she is just.. just indescribable.

Haiz again...

I have very big problem with yeow hon. Totally, I dislike his chracter as he always looks down on me. He tottaly doesnt respect me at all. I will have a tough job on my mp in the proceeding time to come, due to the totally break on redundant communication with yeowhon, I could only communicate with adawiyah.

I am not holding my grudge here or wht so ever. I am just being realistic. I don't care how long friendship has last, if he doesnt show my respect, he doesnt reserve my repect either. I have a tough time ahead. Eveline is getting further from my social cycle.

friendship a month ago..


Close social cycle:

Eveline,
kelvin,
yeow hon,
ada,
indra,
raihana,

boundary of social cycle:
yunzhong,
marcus,
siew ting,



friendship now




Close social cycle:

liyou,
Yunzhong,
marcuz
ada,
raihana,
siewting ,
indra


boundary of social cycle:

eveline,
yeowhon
kelvin,

Demush

I think It requires only a simple thought to decipher the complexity of human's mind. Complexity cannot be tamed with another complexity. Just like someone who tries to understand the universe by calculation and mathematical theorem, and indeed he shall never find the real answer.

We just have to stop pondering and start understanding my the simplest mind.. just like a child was just born into the earth.

A long sleep

I have just woke up from a long along sleep.

I have just attending chine orchestra orientation camp. I have made new friend there. Li you and kin ren.

Li you (19) is a Malaysian girl. She has been in Chinese orchestra for a year now. She is a very fun girl to be friend with.

Kin ren (16) is a singaporean dude. He is very young but yet he looks older than me. Haha. He has a very mysterious character. But yeah.. He is fun and cool..

Hopefully we can be better friends.

Well.. Most of the time people will converse on "channel 8" in my Chinese orchestra cca. Well it is a 'chinese' thing after all. But what I love about the people, they are very caring.. They will sometimes change to channel 5 if i look a bit lost in comprehending their conversation.

These days I will be a bit preoccupied with cent video PBL shooting.

My friendship with yunzhong is getting better. We have a mutual understanding these days. We both know that everyone has their own unique character and we should respect that difference.

looking for the light...

I stay awake for practically 6 hours now... My mind keep wondering around... My heart beat speeds yet my soul is somewhere else..

I couldn't figure out what I really want now.. most of my time these days i spend with sitting down alone at home... if not wait for myself to rot out of boredom... I wouldn't bother to ask my friends for outings anymore.. too tired of receiving rejects from them...

I am trying to understand yun zhong more than I think I have understood... He is a good man, I believe... far better than what could you see in the surface... Haiz... Honestly... maybe some people are living together with the hope they created...

Eveline told me, " let him be... getting lost in his own world... and not knowing wht to do.. one day... he surely find the light he has been searching for... "

I have no idea why am I doing all this to him.. out of pity? out of humanity? maybe I believe I just want to the a true friend for him... that is more than enough...

No one shows me respect... I rot at home... they simply don't bother... I couldn't plead for more.. maybe respect is not wht we get.... it is what we earn... perhaps I simply don't deserve any .. just yet..

and yeah... I stop talking to eve for 2 days now.. it is a long story...

I am no longer the centre of universe..

I means a little thing for those who are in good mood.. Maybe they forget... I am bored, rotten at home.. but it means much for me, when they ask me out...

I am seriously Hate this life here in singapore.. ALL of my friend... Yeah... all. Seems to be a puppet... I wish I get off this nation very very soon..

The power of boredom is too much... I am defeated... now I am no longer the center of the universe..

be brave...

I thank you god ,for the good day I am granted today. I have learnt "the secret" that helps me laugh when I suppose to cry... and makes me delighted when I am happy... I drives my bad mood away... and it encourages good energy flowing in body...

I am happy... I am delighted... You have given me the best friend ever... although I always fail to regard them as my good friend , always my mind be preoccupied on trying to build friendship with aliens or attempting to rebind a broken friendship...

Cahya yang lewat

Cahya yang lewat..
belum ku dapat...
walau jiwa dibendung khianat..
Aku tetap setia bertobat..

Di bawah singgahsana tuhan...
Aku bersujud...
Sebagai hamba yang lemah..
Yang bersumpah..
Aku akan berubah..

Bila detik mulai berbisik
dan jarum jam yang tidak kunjung berhenti
mataku enggan terpejam..
tawaku
akan terus terbuka dengan senyuman..

jangan kau membawa api..
karna akan ku simbah dengan air sebaldi
aku memang lemah
tapi aku tidak bodoh...

Biarkan aku menjadi hamba yang bersahaja..
walau panah menusuk kalbu...
aku tak mau jadi keliru..

I pledge..

In the name of the god.. I am stucked.. I do not knw how shall I respond... I will just follow wht my heart says... I follow the game as it still be the game.. end it.. right away.... end it... right away..

I pledge... I shall never be the demetry I used to be... this time round... I pledge upon my own blood... Or death...

My heart is dead...
My vein has stopped..
I wouldnt say anymore..
My mouth shut...
And my heart shall never be open..
For the rest of the year..

Amin..

For the grace that was granted to me..
For the friendship that I trully treasure..
For the everything that I had gain...
For bad thing I had lost..
For the day that trully change its color...

I am greatful my god... thank you for everything...

I shall call it a day..

It is all make more sense now... when I stop blaming myself for what happen on me, but rather i would evaluate people around me... Maybe, just maybe, the cause is them... and apparently... it is..

Kevin is moving into distant from me. Innitially I thought I had done some wrong, but later on I realise that, he lately hangs up with his crushed and some of his other friends... And that is, obviously his problem.. There is no need for self-introspection in my side me again and again...

Putting a burden on myself... I think I am very tired of this friendship thing... Perhaps I shall call it a day...

haiz..

God has promise good to me.. and I have promised to stay in faith..

Hina

Suara yang memandang memecah gendang
Hilang bagai tak bertuan
Aku yang mengharap badai
terbang
berpecah dalam haluan angin semerbak malam

Biar aku tidur
biar aku terseret arus pantai yang selalu memecah batu karang

Lalu aku mati
dan tetap
tak ada yang peduli..

Wahai bumi yang baik hati
biarkan aku sendiri
mungkin disinilah tangisku bertuju
dan air mataku yang membeku

Tuhan telah berikan namaku sebagai aku
dan aku
sebagai pepecahan jiwaku
aku tak akan menangis
biar malam berubah
dan pagi menjadi cerah
aku akan tetap selalu tertawa

hati yang lemah ini
sudah lama mati
dan mataku
berbinar binar
aku tidak akan pernah percaya lagi pada manusia
mereka hanyalah penghianat
anak ular berbisa
biarkan aku lepas
dan tiada bersua lagi
aku sudah lama mati
tapi aku belum cukup yakin

robohlah cakerawala
tindihlah diriku yang derhaka
dengan diriku sendiri

tak tahu..
sampai kapan aku bisa membuka mata...
mungkin aku terlalu hina..
terlalu hina..
terlalu hina......



IDC lab - 25 may2010

haiz

I am trying to love again .. but I couldnt... It feels like.. My heart has been dead forever...

some random post..

I am a 20 years old guy. Sometimes I may drop my own ego in front of girl, out of respect to them. But this certainly not to be taken for granted. I have my own feeling to, I get get pissed off just like any other human being. I am seriously hate that kind of girl. The girl who behaves as if she is the most beautiful woman on earth, she can just give any attitude to any man as when she likes. I am still offended, even until now.

Today is a great day.

I am starting to understand Yunzhong. I learn his character again from the very beginning, and now I am able to slowly get accustomed to his attitude.

Fuck all of you..

I am sorry to say this my blog. I am tired of my bloody life.

I am tired of trying to understand why KST behave so weirdly to me, I am tired of trying to find out if I have done something wrong. I am tired of wondering why she ignore my text lately.

I am tired my god. I am tired of msging my friends. "are you free for lunch?" . and I am tired of keep recieving similar answer from each of them " I am eating with my friends", " I am playing pool"..

I am tired my god.. I am tired of keep trying to mingle with cent people .. yet I wasnt informed about any meeting or wht so ever... I am very tired...

My patience has almost come into end.. anyone... or simply anyone who tired to fuck me up again... who ever they are... I am going to make sure they are going to be able to smile again eversince... I have enough of my patience... I have enough...

Just... just... just scram OK... all of you... my friends... my good friends.. whoever you are... just scram ok... dont bother me anymore... I am tired... I am already too tired of all this... I rather do not have any friend... seriously... I swear...

Fuck all of you... scram...!

I am not going to be the same person after I wrote this blog... This is I swear upon every single drop of blood that flows in my vein...

in the begining..

In the begining, There was no light. There was nothing that help me guide thru the life path that seems to be too bleak to stare at.. In the begining.. There was nothing.. There was only me.. Only Me and Me...

The light came, but it withdrew as abrupt as it came... leaving me behind abandoned with millions of hope of survival....

No point..

Even If I tell what happens today. This blog still remain to keep quiet. There is no point, there is no point..

Multi million business

Yesterday was a challenging day. My dad abnd my younger brother arrived at singapore just for one night business visit for my dad, and kaypo visit for my bro. I went out stright to airport after clock in for MP, well, technically, the MP supervisor asked my to source for RCA to HDMI/VGA converter at funan centre which I did later on. I was not violating the law didnt I?

I went to simlim squre with younger bro and source for the stupid converter. Honestly, it was very hard to find. But eventually we got it. Then after that we went to watch cinema together with my bro's 2 friends of girl.

I had to abandon my bro later on, leaving him with his friend cuz I needed to return to school, give the converter to my supervisor, clock out, and right after that go straight to robinson road, where I am to make a multi million dollar coal exploitation contract with singapore 9th richest individual, Mr Hadiran.

I have a good chat with Mr hadiran, my dad and I were able to secure 2 coal field each 10000 hecktares, for mr hadiran worth, around 7 million USD . Yeah.

Right after that we proceed to the next client. This time my own clients. We met them infront of the Sultan moqsue. He promised so many thing untill I get really mad.

I simply said,

" sir, we are doing serious business here.. NO MONEY NO TALK... we have 5 remaining coal field in east borneo, each sized 5000 hectares and worth 2million usd . If you are interested on investing, show us your money, pa!! (with expression, lol) .. and we make a deal...."

Everyone was stunned. The 2 singaporean was quiet for a while, and they began to talk sensibly now. Finally we can come into mutual agreement. We are going to provide them with the detail, and they are going to show us the buying capability.

Right after that apointment we went to reside at the hotel. And later on in the morning I dashed to my house , changed and went to campus. I had not much sleep last night. But I am proud, I can do multi million business. =)

Be quiet..

Life is more than complicated. It couldn't be solved with any greatest scientific formula. However it could be understood with very simple action.

Be quiet

And start listening

Human has the greatest ego amongst all living species that inhabit this planet. Every single information coming in and going out human mind has to pass through a firewall, that we called "ego". Even if those information are the truth, sometimes We could alter it into lie simply because our ego is against it.

When we are quiet... our ego fades down... and that is when when we can start listening... and find better solution to any dilemma in life..

A new beginning , on an excruciatingly pain ending..

A new beginning , on an excruciatingly pain ending..

I am too tired to think... I am too tired to laugh... I am to tired to cry... I am too tired to show my gratitude... Also I am too tired to regret on wht have I done...

My wings are not strong enough to uplift my flesh which has been diluted with many sins... How am i suppose to fly , soar towards the horizon and drench myself in blissful rain.. Before this season ends... i would have already lost grip on my own flesh..

I am not emo-ing.. I am just pondering about my life... and trying my best to find the right exit to all the dilemmas . How am I suppose to think..

I will never be grateful to have gotten a new friend, in a expense of accepting the departure of my old friends..

I couldnt hold no more... I am losing grip on my own soul...

"Marcus... welcome back to my social cycle... "

Election

The powerhouse is struggling to keep its reign. ESC is having another election. Those "snakes" are again putting themselves as some of the candidates. Of course there are some new candidates , but it doesnt make a different. Most of the new candidates are the puppet of the "snakes", even there are some who classify themselves as the resistant army.

I again failed this time round. I am not able to overthrow them in any other way. Nor the resistant army are capable enough to cause any damage to the ruling powerhouse. YunZhong seems to be supporting both the "snakes" and its puppet. It doesnt matter. In politics, every body are given rigtht to democratically cast their votes and support candidates which their favor.

The old powerhouse once told me.. " demetry, you must be strong"... maybe there is an implicit reason behind that advice, which I yet to discover.

It is alright to a pessimist. I am losing my grab on my friends, who are in favor of pushing themselves even harder toward upbringing and rejuvenating the reputation of the " snakes" who has doubtly failed in restoring the glory of ESC to what it used to be. Winning reggata is not significant enough as compared to the glorious realm that was governed by the old power house.

Of course not everybody in the current maincom are member of "snakes" . Infact most of them belong to neutral and also opposition movement. However they do not possessed any significant political influence , and sometimes Capability within the governance of current ruling powerhouse.Therefore making the current powerhouse to be so called "dominated" by the 'snakes'.

It is alright to be a pessimist. I have been tortured psychologically by my own friends by abandoning me just like that in order to realise their own dreams. Now I have become more bold, and immune , however not yet immune anough to resist the incoming wave of another similar torture.

You will never believe if I were have to tell you. The world maybe round, but human has a squarish thought in which they will put their acquintences to the edge of the square when they are running out own social spaces due to the incoming waving of immigrating new friends who are proved to be more beneficial to them.

You will not believe if I have to tell you this. That no matter how sincere you are in making friends, they, your friends are still putting the passion as the first priority. It is very hard, and rarely found, people whom you can count onto. Even untill now I am still unable to fully comprehend the nitty gritty of human social life.

I will need to be more quiet and spend more time on listening than talking. perhaps that will allow me to understand fully the nature of human behaviour.

As human being I am indeed offended by the sudden departure of people around me. But I am honestly, unable to act in any kind. I can only spend my thoughts and uttering on this blog. And try to find the true answer by my own. Some thought it is a waste of time. But it is even more a waste of time if I am unable to express my feeling at the right place.



"all appear to change when we decide to change"
Henri-frederic Amiel

KYZ...

I do not know wht to do with him.. Seriously... Deep in my heart I do not want to break the pledge that was created by myself 7 month ago.. That I am not going to lose another friendship when I made friend with any guy/girl I know from eguide.. That person happens to be yunzhong...

Why God has to introduce him in my life only to slowly and painfully take him back again from my social cycle 7 month later? It is a pain on ass... seriously...

I have done the best I could.... now it is up to him... I couldnt do anything... Sometimes my eyes is just melt into tears all of sudden... when I ponder on how fucked up my life is.. seriously saying.. my blog...

Maybe by the time he read my blog.. it's already to late.. But I just want to let him know.. I will always welcome him back in my social cycle.. if he decide to return... He is one of best buddies I ever met in my entire life.. even if he decides to abandon me... I will remember him.. always.. =''(

Remember..

khalisha.. A malay girl, who keep fonding on me. We were like accidently met at kfc, she was like... "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, demetry" , I felt a bit creepy since my friends were like glaring at us.

We were like taking endlessly... and she keep smiling endlessly (just like si ning did to joses, before she is attached to wei lun) . She took the same bus as me even that bus actually didnt go to her house.. and I feel a bit more creepy... but yet she is a nice girl... a girl I could talk with... maybe for now... as a friend..

...................................................................................
"Remember things wont go in your own way.. life is tough to go through.. friends are for you to double your hapiness and divide your sorrow.. you cant expect them to do what you expect from them.. what you can do is to accept what they are just like they accept who you are.. respect one another and think twice to what you want to do.. friends are like mirror.. if you do wrong they will be angry and tell you what is wrong.. even if they didnt, reflect on yourself.. Sometimes things wont tell you exactly what they mean.. if you cant get it then go over it.. keep that in mind, you wont do the same mistake again..."
.................................................................................
Thanks Siew Ting. =)

di atas kertas yang hampir koyak..

Terbang bersama angin .. bertaburlah impian
bermain bercanda... janganlah kau menebar muka
aku tidak akan pernah hilang
kalau kau tidak bilang...
aku hanyalah angin yg berhembus
lalu enggan aku... berhentilah tiba tiba
mungkin penawar yang kau berikan
belum sanggup menghapus racun dalam darahku

Aku mungkin hanyalah api
yang diam lupa bernafas...
penat aku dengan singkat
persahabatan yang singkat ..
dan selalu bersifat laknat...
diakhiri dengan khianat..
penat aku...
tangisku berhentilah dalam sendu...
dalam rindu
aku selalu mengadu...
tapi aku malu..
walau aku tahu...
semua menolak untuk setuju...
aku hanya mampu menorehkan puisi ini..
di atas kertas yang hampir koyak..

Oleh. Dimas Bayumutirama

Penat..

I have to leave behind things that i do not want, or refuse to believe. Friendship that fades and never to return. And its cycle that keep repeating again and again in my life. If 4 month ago I had plenty of friends on my friendlist, today, the number has decreased tremendously.

YunZhong has been slowly but surely moving outwards from my social cycle. This time round , I give up. I surrender everything to the will of destiny.

Indra, Cst, Debbie, nas, and all, even if they are quite distant from me, I can see my friendship with them is so far unbreakable. Siew ting, become a better friend ever since she rejected me. but one thing for sure, there are dryness in the air. I feel so empty.

I miss indra, I miss yunzhong, I miss all of them.

Yeow hon has changed alot. I do not know how to communicate well with him. But I dont have worry, when It comes into project, I am still able to communicate with him. I work professionally, in which I can seperate between work, and personal issues.

As what I have mentioned the cycle repeats again.................

Recently, I am close to this friend of mine, His name is Kelvin. He is a malaysian chinese. I knew him from week zero, he is my fellow mentor. We take chinese orchestra as new cca, and we both play the same intrument. Dizi.

From him, I knew another friend, His name is Jun Yuan. He is singaporean. And he talks hell alot!! and sometimes a bit irritating.

Another friend I made, Panyu and Sherline, they were my mentees. Panyu is a bit gay, but yeah.. he is very funny sometimes. hahaha. and sherline is cool.

Dear god, I am very grateful for the new friends you have given me. but If this humble servant of yours is given another chance to plead. I would like to plead, Please... please my god... do not take yunzhong, indra, siew ting, and their 'gang' away from my social cycle.. They have really left a significant footsteps on my life.. I pray this as and always, in everynite and before dawn... amin..

Tuhan...
bijaksanakah aku..
Bermain dalam keliru...
Bercanda dalam sendu...
Sumpah aku tak mengerti...
apakah suaraku adalah racun?

Mungkin setiap langkahku
selalu dibendung celaru
bilakah ku menemukan impian
yang telah bertahun tahun..
berabad abad kusimpan di dalam arkib harapanku
apakah janji itu palsu..
ya... janjiku pada diriku sendiri...
kalau suatu hari...
aku akan menjadi seorang manusia
yang patut dibanggakan...
yang patut diperhatikan..
bukan sebagai sampah..
yang selalu dilupakan..
seperti angin yang berhembus...
dan menghilang bigitu saja...

Dimanakah pelangi
beritahu aku...!
kenapa langit diam tersendu..
jawablah pertanyaanku...
apakah persahabatan itu nyata...
ataukah hanyalah racun yang membunuh mindaku...
tanpa bumi.. suria tetaplah bulat...
tanpa sahabat... akankah hidupku terhambat?

jangan biarkan aku sendiri...
terjun jatuh kedalam lembah yang sendiri kau tanam..
jangan biarkan aku menangis...
jangan biarkan aku mengembara...
bagai tak berarah...

Mungkinkah tuhan...
yah...
tuhan yang menciptakanku
lalu meninggalkanku begitu saja...
dipenjara yang disebut.. "kehidupan"

Persahabatan yang meredup...
dan aku enggan terus hidup..
biarlah aku mati..
bersama dengan hari hariku..
yang selalu membuatku malu


apakah aku ini manusia?
haha...
aku penat...
aku bosan dengan penat...
jangan biarkan aku berkhianat..
atau bertuding dengan sifat laknat...

aku penat...
Kau perkenalkan aku dengan YunZhong...
Indra, siew ting.... dll...
lalu kau ambil mereka kembali..
haha..
aku penat...
sampai bila jam ini berdetak...
mungkin jiwaku enggan bergerak serentak...
aku penat..
aku harap..
jangan biarkan aku berjelaga jika ku sendiri....

By. Alexander Demetrius.

笛子-菊花台

我在学习如何发挥笛子. first song = 菊花台.

Mhh..

如果我没有希望的生活，我会比以往任何时候都更幸福。多年来，我一直在试图破译友谊的含义。对于如何区分友谊和关系。我的心在砰砰的快速进行。我不能多说。我尽我所能，让我回到以前的状态。是啊在我第一次使我的旅程到新加坡。

我是印尼人。根据大多数印尼人，我很漂亮和有吸引力的。可悲的是我从来没有爱上任何印尼和马来女孩，因为该事件发生。我非常欣赏中国文化，但我永远不会被完全接受。

新加坡人。老实说，我恨一般新加坡人。即使是那些被我视为他们的朋友，我恨他们认真地在一定程度上。他们是自私的，自力更生，自己感到自豪，更糟的是他们瞧不起其他民族和他们的刻板印象。我一直留在这个国家5年。和5年里，我从来没有机会成为我的朋友谁选择留在印度尼西亚，这些朋友谁选择研究船上到香港，中国和美国一样充满喜悦。

但是我不能否认的是，有些新加坡人对我很好。我不提名字，但仍然真实，如果能给我一次机会，我会离开这个国家，直到永远。 虽然没有任何保证，如果我回到印尼，我会更开心。在国外生活5年已经使我失去了朋友和连接在我的国家回来。这恶化的事实，我在我的家乡不再习惯于条件回来。例如，异常天气也不再适合我，较5年前。我经常生病的时候，我回来了。我被困在中间没有在那里。认真。

Rejected...

26 अप्रैल 2010 nite ... मैं Siew ting .. द्वारा अस्वीकार कर रहा हूँ =) मैं इतना खुश कभी नहीं किया है पहले अस्वीकार कर दिया जा रहा है ... साहित्यिक मैं खुश हूँ ... गंभीरता से ..

___________________________________________

(6 घंटे पीछे है कि) Naiwang उससे जुड़ा हुआ है ... यह सुनिश्चित करने के लिए है ...

मैं गंभीरता से खत्म हो खिचड़ी भाषा पर जो पिछले nite हो .. मैं एक गूंगा आदमी की तरह अब लग रहा है ... गंभीरता से ... गधे झक्की ... यह मेरा 8 पाने के फलस्वरूप एक लड़की द्वारा अस्वीकार कर दिया .. समय है मेरा छोटा भाई मुझसे कह पर मंद मैं कैसा हूँ .. रखना बार मैं .. से इनकार किया है के अधिकांश इस बार ... शायद वह सही है .. मैं गंभीरता से एक बात करने के लिए निराश हूँ कि मैं अब और नहीं रोना बल्कि मैं नरक पागल की तरह हँसा सकता है ... को डराने की कोशिश कर स्वर्ग में सभी स्वर्गदूतों ... मैं भगवान पता करने के लिए चाहता हूँ ... अपने .. के इस प्राणी है जीने के थक गुस्सा ...

मेरे अभिभावक मुझे सुबह में परेशान .. वह एक मनोचिकित्सक घर लाया जांच करने के लिए मुझे .. मैं पागल नहीं हूँ ... लेकिन उन्होंने जोर देकर कहा मुझे कुछ दवा लेने के लिए .. मैं सिर्फ इतना है अनिच्छा से ले लिया ... बाकी मैं अपने शौचालय कटोरा को त्याग एक बार मैं अपने कमरे में चला गया ... मैं पागल के साथ मैं यकीन नहीं कर रहा हूँ कि ...

मैं लगभग 6 घंटे के लिए अब रोया ... मैं सब .. में सो नहीं किया था

इस Siew ting से msg है ... मैं सुबह जल्दी में प्राप्त ...

ANW मुझे .. पसंद के लिए धन्यवाद डी.ई.एम.ई. मुझे खुशी है कि .. हालांकि सच्चाई हमेशा हानिकारक है, यह बेहतर है कि यू पता है .. आप की तरह कहा, यह बेहतर है तुम .. मुझ पर अपना समय बर्बाद कर से बताना यह कठिन हो गया है तुम्हें सच्चाई बताना क्योंकि मुझे डर लग रहा है कि आप चोट लगेगा. ठीक है, यह करता है .. मुझे आशा है कि तुम पर खोजने के लिए कदम होगा और मुझसे बेहतर कोई ... हतोत्साहित न हो के.एच. .. =)

मैं गंभीरता से है वाला एक धातु अगले एक महीने के लिए नीचे तोड़ने के .. यह गलती नहीं Siew ting है ... यह सिर्फ मेरा भाग्य है कि मुझे गंभीरता से खराब अप पृथ्वी के नीचे है ...

oh my god.

他们花了30分钟，通知我的存在。我觉得我是粉尘在空气中飘浮。我烧我自己的假设，即友谊存在。我的眼睛一直在时钟滴答拒绝停止凝视。我太累了，想。我太伤心哭泣。当我下来，没有人真实地困扰。也许是我的命运一直写，我没有朋友，不会有任何好的朋友。非常感谢我的上帝!! 我希望我的生活立即停止生效.

什么是生命的真正意义。我到处寻找每一个可能的方法，但仍然，是没有在那里找到。有一次我相信友谊的力量。但后来，我开始地看到，我的'朋友启动到后台刺伤。认真做好我不知道在哪里转向。当我仰望天空，有时我真不知上帝抛弃了我对这个监狱。监狱我们称之为'生命'。我这些天变得很安静。认真。我失去了我的生活我自己控制。昨天我告诉云忠就如何感谢我有自己的理解。由于是一个安静内向的男孩。哈哈哈。这是一个谎言。我没有找到我自己。而是我失去了我的性格我自己控制.

I hope anyone will sincely help me. Even ada and yeow hon are getting distant for me.

I got a handphone.

I have a handphone now. My guardian lend me.

I am getting colder than ever. I am no longer what I used to be. But at least I could find peace on my heart.

Aku hanya bisa beharap. Walau gelap kadang kadang membuatku hilap. Biarkanlah aku mempercayai apa yang ingin ku ketahui.

No Hp

My brother seriously annoyed me today. But I had pledged not to hit him in any way. I love him . Even if it really means he is freaking annoying sometimes. I am 20 now, and he is 18. I should have been matured enough to hold down my temper.

a week ago without my permission, he lend my previous Hp to his gf, who now had a quarrel with him. and until now, he couldn't retrieve my hand phone back from her. That's according to him. I had been without handphone for the past a week. I am so pissed off that I couldn't meet up with my friends, and even text her. But I did not express my tantrum in any way.

I am too tired of all this ,seriously.

My god.

I believe Naiwang is attached to her now. But, They seem to keep this in secret. Because naiwang knows I used to like her.

Seriously. I am too tired of all this game.

I just want to be a quiet Demetry ever since my close friends didn't remember my 20th birthday. That's all I could say. Please respect my decision. I just want to be someone else. I do not want to treasure friendship as much as how I did in the past. I am 20, for god sake.

and serious shit, I lost my handphone again. Now I am so pissed off that I couldn't text her.

long day

I went to Cambodia for ocp . it was fun.

And then straight after that I had week zero. I only have one comments, Programmers are very slack, they did not do their job... No much games and all the time mentors had to had initiative to kill the time.

I am starting to understand myself better than I understand others.

haiz...

Mood: exalted with my life but disappointed with myself.

Today, For the first time in my life I hang out with a girl. who is the girl? find out urself.


Sorry for making ur day so sian. I have never hung out with a girl before. you are the first one. Thanks for today.

MTC 10

MTC 10 was fun. I have made a new friend there. His name is gerrald. He is a funny guy.. he keep chooing girl during the camp. haha.



During MTC, She was alone, no friends and all...

It was a final clash game on the track field. I saw her legs were injured. I dare not to approach her, as She is still attached, I really do not want to disturb her relationship. I just looked at her and gave me a hand sign, asking her if she is alright. Then she smiled at me and I turned back.

Suddenly there was a heavy rain. Everyone was running away from the field. I saw her, she couldnt walk... while everyone in her team is fleeing.. It is deep in my heart, I hope I could helped her.. But I couldnt... She is attached, She is attached... I am trying to educate my stupid brain...

I ran away from her... and I couldnt believe I was actually wet my eyes..

a fat chinese guy lift her on his hand and bring her to safety... I felt like a stupid dude there.. I went to her and asked her... asked her ,if she is alright.. this time round she gave me an angry look... it is as if... she is pretty angry with me..

God... I am just a stupid dude... am I?

Gone by day...

It is my birthday..

Yeow hon and ada did not remember my birthday at all..
Most of my "close friends" did not remember my birthday..
Kyz wished me on msn, but was busy the next day,
for some who remembered, All of them were bz.. I spent the whole day glaring at the empty wall.. this is my 20th birthday present from god..

Last night I was freaking stress. I have never drunk in my entire life. It is forbidden by my religion too.but last nite, I was so down.. I was so stress I drank few glass of vermouth, I think I almost collapsed.. well I really hoped god did take my life by then.. but he didn't...

I have to admit now. I have...

O good friends.
O true friend.
and a whole lot of quintessence.

and today.. i had a bad rashes. it was red and it was All over my body. maybe it is the curse from god.. The doctor said it was allergic symptoms. He said I maybe allergic to alcohol.

God has made me is such way. He wanted me to be a good guy that he intentionally made me allergic to alcohol. But I denied this rule, and I didnt know that before either. I refused medication from doctor. I dont need medications, I only need friends, true friends.

I am officially 20 now, but I have never had any gf before, girl wouldn't like a guy like me... a guy who is never proud of himself, a guy who always fails in friendship, in politics, and in almost anything..

Screw my life...

"thanks ST for trying to console me.. If u really decided to give up on him.. and that's what your heart really whispered, then by all means do it.. I hope you really find someone whom you love and who love you the same too.."

...alright?

Hey dear blog... here is alexander demetrius..

I am now at my cousin house, 1000 km away from jakarta... The internet connection here is freaking, sucks.. mhh..

The president of indonesia ,SBY, and the ministry of youth , Andi Malarangeng, personally invited me for attending the grand opening of Indonesian Taekwondo federation At jakarta fair this sunday..

Yeah... this sunday, 28th march ... My birthday..

I told my friends earlier that I would be in singapore this coming birthday. I had to make a very hard decision. And finally I decided to decline the ministry's offer , and return to singapore , 2moro morning.

some thought , It is a stupid decision I made. But I wanted to stick to what I always believe in. I treasure friendship more than anything else. The Mr. President and Mr. minister may be a big guy. But they do not play important role in my life. My friends are more precious than anything.

I do not know if any of my friends would remember about my birthday. I believe by this time round my blog is pretty much without audience. I just want to stick to what I believe in. To what I always believe in.

Dear blog. If no one remembers my birthday, let you be the one who wish me, alright? =)

exalting day...

Today I was very exalted and equally tired by the way...

I went to shop for camera's charger.. when all sudden my mom and my dad thought of buying a karaoke set for the house. The taukeh was an indonesian chinese. He really annoyed my dad,as he kept speaking Cantonese to his colleagues when as my dad was bargaining for the price.

One amplifier, one equalizer, Ktv player, and 2 speaker, was priced 19000000 rupiah (S$3000). And My dad was trying to bargain for 16000000 rupiah ($2450) , but he refuses to give, even after "negotiating" with his colleagues with some Cantonese words.

When My mom is trying to test the sound, by singing some songs, the taukeh purposely hided the mandarin song list, thinking that we may not need it at all. My dad was a bit offended.

My dad asked me to sing Ju hua tai.. And the taukeh giggled , But not after i sung.. he was amazed that I was able to sing a mandarin. He was more amazed when my dad asked me to sing 2 other mandarin song. hahaha.. the taukeh suddenly drop the price to 17000000 (S$2600)...

But dad was not quite satisfied.. they kept negotiating for cheaper price to no end... for 2 hours ... till I was really starving..

He got really fed up.. then, he asked me to bargain in mandarin... I reluctantly did it.. hahah... not more than 5 minute the taukes changed face , then agreed to even drop the priced up to 15000000 rupiah (S$2300) even lower than what my dad asked ...what the freak. He reasoned , "a friendly price for us..." hahahha...

I was quite surprised too .cuz I know most of my singaporean chinese friend would commented on how suck my chinese is , and what so ever... It then was quite unbelieving for a chinese to get amazed on my mandarin to that extent...

My mom whishpered to me.. "
Most of chinese in indonesia do not have good command on standard mandarin, they only speak dialects.. So when he hear you speaking standard mandarin, summore you are not Chinese and yet perhaps ur mandarin sounds so "china" to him, he gave you a lot of respect , giving impression that you must be educated ,rich, and has good connection with rich people (peoples who can afford ktv set).."

haha..

whatever..
that sounds like a bull crap to me..

but then it became true enough for me...

on my way to atm as I was about to withdraw some money for the ktv set , a chinese girl rushed to me... She was the one whom i bought the camera charger from.. Her shop was just infront the ktv equipment shop... She heard me singing in mandarin... she told me she didnt realised that I could sing chinese and speak mandarin.. She said she was sorry for talking bad about me in hokkien while I was trying to bargain for the charger...

Hahahha... The thing is .. She thought that if I could speak standard mandarin I should have been able to speak dialects... but not for me... I only learn a lil bit of standard mandarin since i am not chinese at all..

well.. I then just pretended that I actually knew about whtever unpleasant thing she talked behind my back... and kept nodding at her like, whatever... but i really wanted to know what sort of bad thing she was talking about about me... so I was like...

Me:
"eh... yang mana? "
("Err, which one?")

That Girl:
"yang wa bilang..."
(" the one i said...")

Then her friend who kept pinching at her back.. abruptly cut the convo..

The friend:
"..yang dia bilang katanya lu ganteng, tapi pelit, soalnya minta trus turun harga punya... haha"

("..the one she said you are cute, but you are very stingy since you kept bargaining for low price.
")

me:
"oh gak papa... hahaha'

("oh .. nevermind it's ok... haha...")


That girl face suddenly turn red as she scolded her friend in some hokkien words.. haha... then quickly took a pen.. held my hand and scribbled.. a handphone numbers on my right palm then she asked me to text her as she wanted to keep in contact with me, then she dashed away..

I was like stoning like some blur-cock guy.. haha.. fortunately my parents was preoccupied with the ktv thing... if they would had been with me... they would disturb me like hell..

... well... I intensionally didnt memorise the headphone numbers and by the time reached home.. those numbers had faded away..

She may be choo , or what so ever... but I am now too tired to like another girl for the time being... well.. maybe if god wills.. I will meet that 'camera charger's seller-girl' some day, some where, in the future.. haha...

whatever..