Amin..

For the grace that was granted to me..
For the friendship that I trully treasure..
For the everything that I had gain...
For bad thing I had lost..
For the day that trully change its color...

I am greatful my god... thank you for everything...

I shall call it a day..

It is all make more sense now... when I stop blaming myself for what happen on me, but rather i would evaluate people around me... Maybe, just maybe, the cause is them... and apparently... it is..

Kevin is moving into distant from me. Innitially I thought I had done some wrong, but later on I realise that, he lately hangs up with his crushed and some of his other friends... And that is, obviously his problem.. There is no need for self-introspection in my side me again and again...

Putting a burden on myself... I think I am very tired of this friendship thing... Perhaps I shall call it a day...

haiz..

God has promise good to me.. and I have promised to stay in faith..

Hina

Suara yang memandang memecah gendang
Hilang bagai tak bertuan
Aku yang mengharap badai
terbang
berpecah dalam haluan angin semerbak malam

Biar aku tidur
biar aku terseret arus pantai yang selalu memecah batu karang

Lalu aku mati
dan tetap
tak ada yang peduli..

Wahai bumi yang baik hati
biarkan aku sendiri
mungkin disinilah tangisku bertuju
dan air mataku yang membeku

Tuhan telah berikan namaku sebagai aku
dan aku
sebagai pepecahan jiwaku
aku tak akan menangis
biar malam berubah
dan pagi menjadi cerah
aku akan tetap selalu tertawa

hati yang lemah ini
sudah lama mati
dan mataku
berbinar binar
aku tidak akan pernah percaya lagi pada manusia
mereka hanyalah penghianat
anak ular berbisa
biarkan aku lepas
dan tiada bersua lagi
aku sudah lama mati
tapi aku belum cukup yakin

robohlah cakerawala
tindihlah diriku yang derhaka
dengan diriku sendiri

tak tahu..
sampai kapan aku bisa membuka mata...
mungkin aku terlalu hina..
terlalu hina..
terlalu hina......



IDC lab - 25 may2010

haiz

I am trying to love again .. but I couldnt... It feels like.. My heart has been dead forever...

some random post..

I am a 20 years old guy. Sometimes I may drop my own ego in front of girl, out of respect to them. But this certainly not to be taken for granted. I have my own feeling to, I get get pissed off just like any other human being. I am seriously hate that kind of girl. The girl who behaves as if she is the most beautiful woman on earth, she can just give any attitude to any man as when she likes. I am still offended, even until now.

Today is a great day.

I am starting to understand Yunzhong. I learn his character again from the very beginning, and now I am able to slowly get accustomed to his attitude.

Fuck all of you..

I am sorry to say this my blog. I am tired of my bloody life.

I am tired of trying to understand why KST behave so weirdly to me, I am tired of trying to find out if I have done something wrong. I am tired of wondering why she ignore my text lately.

I am tired my god. I am tired of msging my friends. "are you free for lunch?" . and I am tired of keep recieving similar answer from each of them " I am eating with my friends", " I am playing pool"..

I am tired my god.. I am tired of keep trying to mingle with cent people .. yet I wasnt informed about any meeting or wht so ever... I am very tired...

My patience has almost come into end.. anyone... or simply anyone who tired to fuck me up again... who ever they are... I am going to make sure they are going to be able to smile again eversince... I have enough of my patience... I have enough...

Just... just... just scram OK... all of you... my friends... my good friends.. whoever you are... just scram ok... dont bother me anymore... I am tired... I am already too tired of all this... I rather do not have any friend... seriously... I swear...

Fuck all of you... scram...!

I am not going to be the same person after I wrote this blog... This is I swear upon every single drop of blood that flows in my vein...

in the begining..

In the begining, There was no light. There was nothing that help me guide thru the life path that seems to be too bleak to stare at.. In the begining.. There was nothing.. There was only me.. Only Me and Me...

The light came, but it withdrew as abrupt as it came... leaving me behind abandoned with millions of hope of survival....

No point..

Even If I tell what happens today. This blog still remain to keep quiet. There is no point, there is no point..

Multi million business

Yesterday was a challenging day. My dad abnd my younger brother arrived at singapore just for one night business visit for my dad, and kaypo visit for my bro. I went out stright to airport after clock in for MP, well, technically, the MP supervisor asked my to source for RCA to HDMI/VGA converter at funan centre which I did later on. I was not violating the law didnt I?

I went to simlim squre with younger bro and source for the stupid converter. Honestly, it was very hard to find. But eventually we got it. Then after that we went to watch cinema together with my bro's 2 friends of girl.

I had to abandon my bro later on, leaving him with his friend cuz I needed to return to school, give the converter to my supervisor, clock out, and right after that go straight to robinson road, where I am to make a multi million dollar coal exploitation contract with singapore 9th richest individual, Mr Hadiran.

I have a good chat with Mr hadiran, my dad and I were able to secure 2 coal field each 10000 hecktares, for mr hadiran worth, around 7 million USD . Yeah.

Right after that we proceed to the next client. This time my own clients. We met them infront of the Sultan moqsue. He promised so many thing untill I get really mad.

I simply said,

" sir, we are doing serious business here.. NO MONEY NO TALK... we have 5 remaining coal field in east borneo, each sized 5000 hectares and worth 2million usd . If you are interested on investing, show us your money, pa!! (with expression, lol) .. and we make a deal...."

Everyone was stunned. The 2 singaporean was quiet for a while, and they began to talk sensibly now. Finally we can come into mutual agreement. We are going to provide them with the detail, and they are going to show us the buying capability.

Right after that apointment we went to reside at the hotel. And later on in the morning I dashed to my house , changed and went to campus. I had not much sleep last night. But I am proud, I can do multi million business. =)

Be quiet..

Life is more than complicated. It couldn't be solved with any greatest scientific formula. However it could be understood with very simple action.

Be quiet

And start listening

Human has the greatest ego amongst all living species that inhabit this planet. Every single information coming in and going out human mind has to pass through a firewall, that we called "ego". Even if those information are the truth, sometimes We could alter it into lie simply because our ego is against it.

When we are quiet... our ego fades down... and that is when when we can start listening... and find better solution to any dilemma in life..

A new beginning , on an excruciatingly pain ending..

A new beginning , on an excruciatingly pain ending..

I am too tired to think... I am too tired to laugh... I am to tired to cry... I am too tired to show my gratitude... Also I am too tired to regret on wht have I done...

My wings are not strong enough to uplift my flesh which has been diluted with many sins... How am i suppose to fly , soar towards the horizon and drench myself in blissful rain.. Before this season ends... i would have already lost grip on my own flesh..

I am not emo-ing.. I am just pondering about my life... and trying my best to find the right exit to all the dilemmas . How am I suppose to think..

I will never be grateful to have gotten a new friend, in a expense of accepting the departure of my old friends..

I couldnt hold no more... I am losing grip on my own soul...

"Marcus... welcome back to my social cycle... "

Election

The powerhouse is struggling to keep its reign. ESC is having another election. Those "snakes" are again putting themselves as some of the candidates. Of course there are some new candidates , but it doesnt make a different. Most of the new candidates are the puppet of the "snakes", even there are some who classify themselves as the resistant army.

I again failed this time round. I am not able to overthrow them in any other way. Nor the resistant army are capable enough to cause any damage to the ruling powerhouse. YunZhong seems to be supporting both the "snakes" and its puppet. It doesnt matter. In politics, every body are given rigtht to democratically cast their votes and support candidates which their favor.

The old powerhouse once told me.. " demetry, you must be strong"... maybe there is an implicit reason behind that advice, which I yet to discover.

It is alright to a pessimist. I am losing my grab on my friends, who are in favor of pushing themselves even harder toward upbringing and rejuvenating the reputation of the " snakes" who has doubtly failed in restoring the glory of ESC to what it used to be. Winning reggata is not significant enough as compared to the glorious realm that was governed by the old power house.

Of course not everybody in the current maincom are member of "snakes" . Infact most of them belong to neutral and also opposition movement. However they do not possessed any significant political influence , and sometimes Capability within the governance of current ruling powerhouse.Therefore making the current powerhouse to be so called "dominated" by the 'snakes'.

It is alright to be a pessimist. I have been tortured psychologically by my own friends by abandoning me just like that in order to realise their own dreams. Now I have become more bold, and immune , however not yet immune anough to resist the incoming wave of another similar torture.

You will never believe if I were have to tell you. The world maybe round, but human has a squarish thought in which they will put their acquintences to the edge of the square when they are running out own social spaces due to the incoming waving of immigrating new friends who are proved to be more beneficial to them.

You will not believe if I have to tell you this. That no matter how sincere you are in making friends, they, your friends are still putting the passion as the first priority. It is very hard, and rarely found, people whom you can count onto. Even untill now I am still unable to fully comprehend the nitty gritty of human social life.

I will need to be more quiet and spend more time on listening than talking. perhaps that will allow me to understand fully the nature of human behaviour.

As human being I am indeed offended by the sudden departure of people around me. But I am honestly, unable to act in any kind. I can only spend my thoughts and uttering on this blog. And try to find the true answer by my own. Some thought it is a waste of time. But it is even more a waste of time if I am unable to express my feeling at the right place.



"all appear to change when we decide to change"
Henri-frederic Amiel

KYZ...

I do not know wht to do with him.. Seriously... Deep in my heart I do not want to break the pledge that was created by myself 7 month ago.. That I am not going to lose another friendship when I made friend with any guy/girl I know from eguide.. That person happens to be yunzhong...

Why God has to introduce him in my life only to slowly and painfully take him back again from my social cycle 7 month later? It is a pain on ass... seriously...

I have done the best I could.... now it is up to him... I couldnt do anything... Sometimes my eyes is just melt into tears all of sudden... when I ponder on how fucked up my life is.. seriously saying.. my blog...

Maybe by the time he read my blog.. it's already to late.. But I just want to let him know.. I will always welcome him back in my social cycle.. if he decide to return... He is one of best buddies I ever met in my entire life.. even if he decides to abandon me... I will remember him.. always.. =''(

Remember..

khalisha.. A malay girl, who keep fonding on me. We were like accidently met at kfc, she was like... "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, demetry" , I felt a bit creepy since my friends were like glaring at us.

We were like taking endlessly... and she keep smiling endlessly (just like si ning did to joses, before she is attached to wei lun) . She took the same bus as me even that bus actually didnt go to her house.. and I feel a bit more creepy... but yet she is a nice girl... a girl I could talk with... maybe for now... as a friend..

...................................................................................
"Remember things wont go in your own way.. life is tough to go through.. friends are for you to double your hapiness and divide your sorrow.. you cant expect them to do what you expect from them.. what you can do is to accept what they are just like they accept who you are.. respect one another and think twice to what you want to do.. friends are like mirror.. if you do wrong they will be angry and tell you what is wrong.. even if they didnt, reflect on yourself.. Sometimes things wont tell you exactly what they mean.. if you cant get it then go over it.. keep that in mind, you wont do the same mistake again..."
.................................................................................
Thanks Siew Ting. =)

di atas kertas yang hampir koyak..

Terbang bersama angin .. bertaburlah impian
bermain bercanda... janganlah kau menebar muka
aku tidak akan pernah hilang
kalau kau tidak bilang...
aku hanyalah angin yg berhembus
lalu enggan aku... berhentilah tiba tiba
mungkin penawar yang kau berikan
belum sanggup menghapus racun dalam darahku

Aku mungkin hanyalah api
yang diam lupa bernafas...
penat aku dengan singkat
persahabatan yang singkat ..
dan selalu bersifat laknat...
diakhiri dengan khianat..
penat aku...
tangisku berhentilah dalam sendu...
dalam rindu
aku selalu mengadu...
tapi aku malu..
walau aku tahu...
semua menolak untuk setuju...
aku hanya mampu menorehkan puisi ini..
di atas kertas yang hampir koyak..

Oleh. Dimas Bayumutirama

Penat..

I have to leave behind things that i do not want, or refuse to believe. Friendship that fades and never to return. And its cycle that keep repeating again and again in my life. If 4 month ago I had plenty of friends on my friendlist, today, the number has decreased tremendously.

YunZhong has been slowly but surely moving outwards from my social cycle. This time round , I give up. I surrender everything to the will of destiny.

Indra, Cst, Debbie, nas, and all, even if they are quite distant from me, I can see my friendship with them is so far unbreakable. Siew ting, become a better friend ever since she rejected me. but one thing for sure, there are dryness in the air. I feel so empty.

I miss indra, I miss yunzhong, I miss all of them.

Yeow hon has changed alot. I do not know how to communicate well with him. But I dont have worry, when It comes into project, I am still able to communicate with him. I work professionally, in which I can seperate between work, and personal issues.

As what I have mentioned the cycle repeats again.................

Recently, I am close to this friend of mine, His name is Kelvin. He is a malaysian chinese. I knew him from week zero, he is my fellow mentor. We take chinese orchestra as new cca, and we both play the same intrument. Dizi.

From him, I knew another friend, His name is Jun Yuan. He is singaporean. And he talks hell alot!! and sometimes a bit irritating.

Another friend I made, Panyu and Sherline, they were my mentees. Panyu is a bit gay, but yeah.. he is very funny sometimes. hahaha. and sherline is cool.

Dear god, I am very grateful for the new friends you have given me. but If this humble servant of yours is given another chance to plead. I would like to plead, Please... please my god... do not take yunzhong, indra, siew ting, and their 'gang' away from my social cycle.. They have really left a significant footsteps on my life.. I pray this as and always, in everynite and before dawn... amin..

Tuhan...
bijaksanakah aku..
Bermain dalam keliru...
Bercanda dalam sendu...
Sumpah aku tak mengerti...
apakah suaraku adalah racun?

Mungkin setiap langkahku
selalu dibendung celaru
bilakah ku menemukan impian
yang telah bertahun tahun..
berabad abad kusimpan di dalam arkib harapanku
apakah janji itu palsu..
ya... janjiku pada diriku sendiri...
kalau suatu hari...
aku akan menjadi seorang manusia
yang patut dibanggakan...
yang patut diperhatikan..
bukan sebagai sampah..
yang selalu dilupakan..
seperti angin yang berhembus...
dan menghilang bigitu saja...

Dimanakah pelangi
beritahu aku...!
kenapa langit diam tersendu..
jawablah pertanyaanku...
apakah persahabatan itu nyata...
ataukah hanyalah racun yang membunuh mindaku...
tanpa bumi.. suria tetaplah bulat...
tanpa sahabat... akankah hidupku terhambat?

jangan biarkan aku sendiri...
terjun jatuh kedalam lembah yang sendiri kau tanam..
jangan biarkan aku menangis...
jangan biarkan aku mengembara...
bagai tak berarah...

Mungkinkah tuhan...
yah...
tuhan yang menciptakanku
lalu meninggalkanku begitu saja...
dipenjara yang disebut.. "kehidupan"

Persahabatan yang meredup...
dan aku enggan terus hidup..
biarlah aku mati..
bersama dengan hari hariku..
yang selalu membuatku malu


apakah aku ini manusia?
haha...
aku penat...
aku bosan dengan penat...
jangan biarkan aku berkhianat..
atau bertuding dengan sifat laknat...

aku penat...
Kau perkenalkan aku dengan YunZhong...
Indra, siew ting.... dll...
lalu kau ambil mereka kembali..
haha..
aku penat...
sampai bila jam ini berdetak...
mungkin jiwaku enggan bergerak serentak...
aku penat..
aku harap..
jangan biarkan aku berjelaga jika ku sendiri....

By. Alexander Demetrius.