I am stupid.

a serpent that keep quiet most of the time sometimes when it strikes it really hurts. I am the most arrogant person on the entire face of human history, the most unforgivable creature and the most sinful human being.

yesterday I went to study with yeow hon on redhil mc donald. I told him, I am troubled. I am in a very deep stress mindset. I feel the will be something bad happening soon. It is near and yet so distant. I do not know whts that. Yeow hon keep telling me to study. I just need him to convince me, that I am stupid.


Stupid of expecting a person to be 24hrs always be on my side.

Stupid for predicting something bad is going to happen even nothing is wrong.

Stupid for texting *** , bombarded *** with messages that I know *** will surely get pissed of soon.

Stupid for always ending friendship by my own hand if I cant understand immediately why I behave in such way..

Stupid for I always get so emotic in times of crisis.


I pleaded yeow hon to tell me . "you are stupid " for 5 times.. He refused. and rather he said "you are smart" and just continued playing with his laptop.

I couldnt take this anymore. 2.30am . My eyes kept staring at the textbooks , but it seems nothing is going into my brain , not anymore. I wanted to cry. but I cant. I was at mcdonald. I dont want to drop my dignity summore. I told yeow hon I wanted to go home. He was pissed off with me. Because I was the one who pleaded him to stay overnight , watching me studying. NOTE that, watching me studying. I study and he played with his laptop. and yet suddenly I want to go back.

I told YH I am sorry. I would not want to embarrassed him if all of sudden all trays ,cups and even chairs flyies... and the police would come and arrest me... I told him. I will send him home by taxi . and that's the time when he kept quiet and start to understand the seriousness of my problem. He tried to console him on the way to his hse... but I didnt entertained him. My mind is blank.. is totally blank...

I spent 21.40 for my taxi fare. Something I wouldn't do recently, since my family is hit by financial problem.

I went home. Once I reached my bed.. My tears starts to melt... keep calling God. The name of God. the Almighty who have made me into such weird person, with weird personality and weird behavior.. that no one , and no one in entire face of planet will be able to accept me and to understand me fully as human being.. I pleaded God, To release this curse. this curse had been and always been haunting me for the past past five years.. I pleaded God.. If he really thinks I am still worth living..

I cried and i cried for the whole night. Maybe all the angles in the heaven mourn my sorrow.. but yet I am so stupid. I am so freaking stupid. I dont think I worth living anymore..

i cant stop yelling at the empty corner of the ceiling above me.. demanding answer from the guy the up there.. but I hear nothing.. only the echo of my voice that filled every corner of the room..

I am going to fail my exam. I swear I will. for the next few days I cant think anything else but just to blame myself all over and over again..

I am wrong...
I am to blame..
Just take my life..
I will be just fine..
I dont wanna feel any suffering..
I dont wanna expect anything..
I have lost my pulse...
I have lost everything...

I am a failure in love and even in friendship.. Please forgive me. Please forgive me my friend.

Somehow I need siew ting. She is the only one who can convince me of how stupid I was.