love life

I browsed thru my diary last night... I opened ofew pages, that turn life upside down..



Lovelife--

" Listen to my voice , My god the almightly who are in absolute control of things that happen within and around me.. Listen for I am too small to be recognised.. for my voice is too soft to be heard by mortals.. listen... for my existence maybe a burden... "

The history of my Love life-

Elfira-
when I was kind of close to her, all of sudden I decided to disappear from her life cycle, because I believed I was not ready to love.. I am still burdened By my past secondary school enemy who are trying to make mylife miserable here in temasek polytechnic.. When things are settled... Everything is too late.. But I am very happy though, elfi founded her true love, and was eventually able to abandon her past memory behind...

my last message to her

' thanks for talking to me... I hope you will always blessed on every journey u take.. and I will love you as always.. take care.. =)'

It took me 1 year before I talked to elfi again... This time as a friend..

But everytime I listen to the music "marrie more" or when TP mass dance is played... I could always feel that I dropped my tears.. as I remember... The first time I dance this with was with her..










The first video you could see me (on the upper row-with long hair) ,din , elfi (an e-guide who wear black jacket with pink stripes) , and saidil (holding to a white heart-shaped balloon, which later is being given to elfi), all of them were on the lower row... It was roughly 2 monthes before elfi and saidil became attached.. I was catched by the camera... when saidil teases elfi.. I could only stunned at them... I felt like crying sia.. lolx.. Look at my face... like so stupid... haha..

Last time I and Din was very close. and I knew elfi from din. Cuz you know... din used to have crushed on elfi... haha... so that was the very early begining... I was kind of puzzled cuz usually din studied with me... but at that point of time every wednesday he would "tutor" elfi... and it seems that he did not want to get disturbed at all.. haha.. well.. and then he suddenly not close to her, but then I became close to her... and then... well.. I think I shall stop here.. if you wanna know , ask me personally.. haha.. (elfi- peace =D)


But those doesnt matter... Now everything has changed.. I do not have the same feeling towards elfi as what I had to her few years ago... I regard her a friend of mine.. she will be always be a history in my life.. a good one.. and a memorable one..


(elfi- chill , dont kill me for I am writing a post about you... haha)



---to be continued

I regret being a human

My brain is just start collapsing today... I am freaking angry with God... with myself.. and with people who abandon me.. Why no one wants to hear to my story.? Do they care if I exist? all my closest friend only want to know me as a cheerful guy who bears no problems... I am stucked with all this fucking problems in my brain... I cant talk to anyone... while I have to maintain my morality , keep my emotion perfect so that my reputation will not drop..

God... I hate this freaking life... I swear... Can I just.. Just Gone from this entire earth... I dont want to die either cuz that will lead me to hell for sure.. I just wanna Go.. To another dimension..
Just dissappear...

No one would understand and no one would bother that whenever I reached home.. My eyes always drenched in tears.. no one would question that... I could not take it anymore my god.. I seriously I am... Humans are arrogant creature... when they are happy they will forget about people like me.. I do not want to categorize myself as a human.. I rather be an animal..

Unfair

It has been monthes since I decided to change . Here you can see the difference in me in just one year. I changed my hair style so many times. My weight vary from 55 to 68 then down again to 54. My character changes so many times from being friendly and hack care abt what people think abt me to being oversensitive and narcist.

I am devastated so many times.

-Rejection by jessy teo

-The rejection By miue

-Miue was sent back to thailand

-Friendship Breakdown with marcus.

-Was not selected to join program team in week zero.

-Rejection By siew ting.

-No one really remembers by 20th Birthday.

-Friendship break down with yeow hon and ada.

-2ND rejection by siew ting.

-Yunzhong ignores me for 2 monthes.

-Kevin ignore me for 2 monthes.

-rejection by eveline.

-Eveline Confesses to yunzhong in front of me.

-Yunzhong rejects eveline.

-Eveline leaves our social cycle forever.

-There is no common friend between me and yunzhong.
-Fall in love to cassandra koh.
-Abandoning cassandra koh because I am afraid to fall in love again...

what more do u want my God? I am tired of changing my character again and again just to suit the environment around me. I am really tired. I believe I am a man without dignity now. I have been dropping my dignity infront of girls everytime I am rejected. and infront of my friends (yunzhong, kevin, marcus, etc) everytime friendship breakdown and I have to apologise be it or not I am in fault , cuz I need that friendship.. I need friend.. I am here living in singapore by myself, and since i could not love only friendship can replace the effection that I did not have from my family... but people mistakenly take it as I am being 'Gay' or 'desperate' or whatever shit they may think..

This is totally unfair to me... Really... It is..



Current FriendShip Status ... Fragility = high



Best Friends:

Kevin Chng
Kang Yunzhong

Close Friends:
Naiwang
Luqman Ang

Good Friends:
Zack
Shaoren
Wendy K
Nick
Raihana
Indrani
Adawiyah


Outside Social Cycle:
Mansur
YeowHon
Cassandra
Eveline
Muie
Elfi
SiNing
Weilun
Clement
Etc etc

fuck off

I am under seriously mentality dillemma... I have been deleting people from my facebook, even if they are innocent... so far...

siew ting,
mansur
yeow hon
kevin chng
jun yuan
cassandra koh

Seriously dont ask me why... very soon no one is going to recognise me... too much pressure fallen on my face... I couldnt cope anymore as no one is willing to listen to my story... no one...

Eveline is giving me stupid problem... I am cought in boredom and pressure... people around me are too preoccupied with themselves... Let me be most hated person on the whole face of the planet... I dont care... if you hate me... just seriously... fuck off.. fuck off from my entire life...

Blah Blah

It has been days since i last blog.

These days I have becoming more close minded, even to my own blog. I want to keep my problem by my own , since I find no point of sharing it to someone else.

tomorrow and for the next 30 days is a fasting month. I would fast, and I hope this fasting month I could be a good muslim, a good man.

There are too many things to share. Many things had happened in my life for the past a week. I rather keep quiet.