Kong Kong de sheng hou

My life is very empty now.. I have no body to trust... Even if I do... they are not here with me.. It has always be unfair for me.. If anyone would befriend with me now, It must out be out of pity and not because the will of nature.. In this stage it seems that no one could help me.. I could not even help myself out of this misery...

Running away from the reality.

There will not be a single self-satisfaction that I will get as long as I am trying to run away from the reality.

This company of mine now has a gross revenue of approx. S$100000 per month as compared to S$20000 per month when it was first started last year. But I do not have own self satisfaction. Not at all. Because , this company success is a mere escape of my own reality in Singapore. That I am a failure there, I could not befriend with Chinese, I could not befriend with those people I want to befriend with. No one knows this. Whenever everyone in my country congratulate me for my promotion, I could only smile a little.. There is in my mind.. a floating shadow of my failure in Singapore.

The day after tomorrow ,my company was invited to an action for Procurement of Frying oil by airport catering service . This contract worth more than S$50K per month. If I could get the tender This will indeed be a great leap forward. Yet I couldn't smile as usual, bcos the fact that I am running away from the reality in Singapore always lingers in my mind.

Failed Escape

This is the fourth day since I have arrived here in Indonesia for my holiday. This time round is kind of different. I could not find peace in my heart, even during my holiday in Indonesia. I do not not why.. It seems that my heart keep worrying about something invisible. I have tried not to think negatively too much. But I couldnt .

Yunzhong keeps occupying his mind on his own self-fulfilling business. He became so much self-centred now. I am even more worried cuz I do not have a common friend with him. I do not have anything now. If God still want to take my friendship with him away... I have no much thing to say. I simply do not want to defy the will of destiny.

Friendship means a lot in my life. It worth more than love and even my own family. My mentality is crashing down faster than ever.... I could not find peace anywhere in my life... Not even here in my hometown.. I feel like dying... seriously I do..

The dying soul

The greatest Sin that I have commited , is for not being able to leave this friendship to the will of nature.. Is for being persistant that in order someone to be regarded as friend , they have to hang out together.. That particular incentive of our friendship has turn into a great phobia of yours which take a long time to heal.. while time is something i do not have.. I keep pushing it in my subconcious mind particularly when I do not have control upon my self esteem.. I am so scared I am going to turn more than being mad.. I am so scared..



I really hope that I could stop weeping on things that are gone and start treasuring things that I own... Forgive me for my presence may be a burden and my existence a mere annoyence.


My mind is too preoccupied with trying to assemble the broken mirror... the wrong thoughts and mis-understanding some people had on me .. how could you alter human perception? How could we rejuvinate our dying reputation from the eyes of the other people who decide to walk way before I could even speak? should I just keep quiet about it and just treasure what I have pretending everyting is fine, while those lies and misunderstanding spread like cancer trying to infiltrate my entire social cycle... until, I have no where to go.. No body to trust.. ?


I am confused.. I am scared.. My enemies not only exist all around me, - as people whom I wanted to be friend with but things do not go right, due to sudden change in my character that leads to serious misunderstanding-, but also exist deep inside my subconsious mind... I feel I am living in a body I could not fully control, beseiged by my own thoughts who defy my commands.. I am scared... totally...


I am tired and ignorant on where to go for the rest of my life.. believing something I could not afford to believe, exploring the unexplorable.. And I feel too tired to do all things cuz I have a reason why I could not voice up my thoughts.. If you meant I could not walk.. I have been walking smoothly for the rest of my life.. pondering the empty voice of wildreness and I start to explore the unexplorable.. I hate to move on .. cuz I had no voice to say out my words.. and I do not want to believe things that does not involve me at all.. as I speak and as I listen.. everyone seems to turn into a dol .. and yes a dol as it seems.. i would like to dance on my empty stage when all cracks on the podium is getting larger than ever.. please stop shouting and let me just carry on with my life.. I do not want to be alone as long as i exist before i am gone.. It seems to be snatched away, the mask of confidence and the robe of passion I wore last summer.. and as I age , continuously wailing upon the empty sorrow...



If another chance shall i get, let me burn this night with the candle light.. though it aint so bright.. at least I could find the light that would provide me with some sense of delight.. let all those sorrow get away, out from my sight.. just for tonight.. the dream of a night, i plight. that the light shall guide and my hope shall hold me thight...


The day seems bleak.. I dare not to speak.. perhaps I should continue pretending to be meak.. so that my presence, shall no longer seen as a burden ..and when I speak , everyone would listen.. Thus my existence shall not be forgotten.. I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.. as the chain on my chest is getting thighter and as I speak I could only whispher with my deminishing voice... when heard.. people can only ponder, they can only wish, one day i gonna recover.. the blood flows down from my wrist, and drop from slowly... It goes on and on.. just like the sorrow which i have to follow...

within this shadow.. tell me.. why my voice is so mellow.. Engulfed in sorrow, the curse fall upon my every red bone marrow.. what can be found below.. is only the empty and dark shadow, that stalks me all the way to the centre of this meadow.. where could i find the rainbow? for i have burn down the forest of willow and therefore the newly grown sprouts below can grow.. but where could i find the rainbow? if today I should ponder and tomorrow I shall wonder.. and surely before my time should end, i would have already been torn apart..just like my hope and dreams who decided to depart from my heart.. leaving me as nothing but an outcast, endlessly haunted by my unforgiving past..


Why am I created so differently from others? argh..

This night i plight that tomorrow i shall recover my sight.. so that i could see the humans who hiding behind their cover, the best disguise master who never surrender.. Tonight , the sky is bright.. one thousand moons seem to fill the heaven.. angels decent down to earth, delivering blessing and good tidings to all mindkind.. yet I keep on silence till morning, and no one is coming.. It seems that I was a missed.. Again for another year.. perhaps i shall keep waiting for another ten thousand years.. and perhaps i shall keep pretending, attempting to content every drip of tears..

Let me sublimes into the thin aor.. blown at the mercy of northern breeze.. so that Ez'rail , the angel of death could not find me.. the benign earth wouldnt swallow me.. the raging fire wouldnt burn me.. the chilling water wouldnt drown me.. and the curse could no longer dweel on me..

When shall the moonson arrive? I just want to find my way back... I just want to go home..

And yet... I do not know where is my home..