I will lose everything

I am offended again, for a second time, after a year.

I missed the cent 4 you meeting due to opening of the stall.2 days ago. No one bother to give me some review about it. my friends ,no one remembers me as part of them.my friend are given roles in the cent4u subcom . Maybe they are just too exalted they forgot about me. haha. It happens all time even with different people. when it comes into politic, everthing tastes bitter. People are afraid tht their friend can block their own way. certainly not for me. I always be a good guy who tries "holy" means of doing politics. and eventually I always be the loser. I strongly bring yessy to ESC, to E-guide last year. and now is the most powerful woman in engine school. She may have forgotten it, but I wont.

It seems that everyone of my friends has a role on cent4you. well I didnt apparently. cuz I didnt attend the meeting. Even if i did I may not be assigned anything. and though I really want to volunteer , I wouldn't be a hero to volunteer myself on it. Maybe **** trying to let the coming badge of people to have some experience of organizing cent is for you.

Perhaps he forgot one thing. I am although at the same badge with him, I am technically belong to the second badge of cent. I spent the whole 1st year with beyond boundaries. and only to encounter cent in the second year.

It is Ok . Living in an exile has never been easy. It seems that yunzhong is making a fast move now. he is going to be recognized soon. I can remember this feeling. It is the same feeling when Yessy was promoted into maincom of beyond boundaries a year ago and I was staring at her at the audience seats and my eyes sores. It is the same feeling.

after all. I dont even belong to cent. I suppose to be somewhere else in beyond boundaries. haiz. life has never been fair. My journey in Temasek Polytechnic is really screwed up. Let me just keep this feeling within me and my blog. My heart is beating fast. I am crying now. the same tears , the same feeling, as wht I got last year, when I saw yessy raised into podium and promoted as the main com of beyond boundaries.

God, please give me strengths.
If i have to undergo similar suffering again.
This time round I may not be able to take it.

I really hate Singapore. I have been 5 years in this nation, and i always hate this country. Always.

It is Ok. I vow myself, after I finished my poly, I will never return to singapore again. I want to go somewhere else, where I feel like home. God I beg you, plz let me undergo this. Just allow me to wear again my mask of pretension, so that the people will know, I am fine, I am still fine. I am not offended, I am wise, I am outgoing, I am friendly, and all those Good remarks about me. Just me wear my mask again. Let me just keep pretending.

Sometimes, being a stupid person,
an ignorant person, a "blank person" ,
a person with no feeling,
a person that people respect and people dont have heart to hurt him,
a person who dont talk much but listen more,
a person who do as what is told and directed not those who innovate and create new ideas,
a person who is immune to all psychological attacts from anywhere
is always be much much much much much much much much better than I being myself.

I cant take the defeat. I cant take any defeat. I cant accept, I am a retard. I cant cant accept the fact that I am living in exile. I cant accept that i don't belong here. a person who is always alone.

what if I never come to cent anymore.
will yun zhong still talk to me?
will indrani and siew ting still contact me?
will shi ting still recognise me?
I dont know know about it,

but certainly I knw that yeow hon and ada it still there for me. They were with me before I come to cent, they are the one who influenced me to go back to cent. But I have taken things for granted, maybe I am is to blamed.Maybe I had less attention on YH and Ada. I dont know... YH is still angry with me and he is not answering my call. but certainly , yesterday he said, "dont come to cent anymore, you are annoying"

That simple sentence really hurts me. Maybe, he thought that i am just rubbish. I am ungrateful, I am hypocrite , and maybe i am just like yessy, when I am up, I may not remember those who have brought me to success. I am fine. I accept that fact. I think i cant have any pride as a man. I must beg, yeow hon for forgivess , no matter who is right and who is wrong. I dont have any position to hate him. because he will lose nothing, when he loses me. But I will lose almost everything, when I lose him. God. This is unfair. This is very unfair.