ARGH...

我现在要在2个星期不到20岁，但我没有任何成果在我的生命意义。我丑，我有一个奇怪的品格，没有女人会喜欢我。我只能成为我的朋友的负担。我希望我从来没有创建。当我下来，我问上帝，'你为什么抛弃我？'。但是，当我心满意足，我会吹嘘，好像世界是我的。如果我死了，不火化，不埋葬我的肉体。放弃我独自在空荡荡的沙漠。。

I tried to sleep but couldn't sleep it is 4 am in the morning. I do not know where to turn to. I switch on my computer and now start to blog again. Maybe if there is no blog or diary I may not have survive so long.

Few things stuck on my brain. I had just offended yunzhong few hours ago. I thought I was just to joke around, but maybe i went a bit far and he really get shocked.

I was initially few very bored. NOT literary bored. I went **'s facebook and saw her was very romantic her boyfriend. well I was jealous, for i am a failure in anything. I am bored this life. I didnt know how to express anymore, It was becoming too often for me that this stuff occur in my life. I was extremely bored. maybe perhaps I am not meant to like..

I went to chat with YZ and just anyhow type without thinking...

"Do you want to be my bf?"

he was extremely shocked and angry.. maybe He didnt get it ... I was not really being serious...There are just too many things happens on my brain... that all sudden I do a stupid thing... all of sudden.. Just like last time I came to hug yeow hon, cuz he wanted to grant me a favor.. only to make him pushed me and whacked my face. haiz... there is no "creepy" purpose for that... no purpose of GAYing them ..It is just somehow my weird character... I really hate this..

Yunzhong told me he was shocked ... and he was very mad.. and the thing about him... when he is mad , he keep quiet and ignore me.. aragh

nonetheless I didnt reply him intensively and just say a simple sorry to him as I was blur blur at that moment cuz I was still stress... I only realized it 4 hours after that... I realized that I had done something very stupid.. stupid demetry...

I have no much to say for that.. I am seriously in mental distress... I do not have many friends.. and I have completely no friend in indonesia... I lost contact with all of them ever since i migrated to singapore5 years ago... so my day here is spend like... office-home-office type of life... I do not have friend to talk to..

There is nothing even close to perfection in my life...

I hv a company so wht?
my dad knows the president so wht?
I am close the ministry of youth so wht?
I ever talk to the ministry of education (singapore) so what?
I published a book in singapore so what?
I have a hidden talent on poetry so wht?

all my achievements I could by myself , quote the " so wht question"... Man.. I dont need all that... I am lacking of he fudemental element on my age... friendship and lovelife..

I do not care how much money do i have , if i still have to "buy" my friend, I believe I do not friend at all...

I am completely frustrated having to live in this kind of life..

How many time I must claim..

GOD... if you do know wish me to love a girl.. then... MAKE ME A TOTAL GAY THEN!!! dont let me hang in between uncertainty... I am frustrated with that..

Straight friends were saying that I am a bit gay.. for once i believed but when I made friend gays, I was totally rejected, they would reason I was too straight for them.. where do i belong to then? I am extremely confused...

Personally I hate gays... and I am interested on girls.. But I hate even more if i am stuck in the middle not knowing where to go... and so far in my entire life.. no girls has ever fallen on me.. why? cuz I look gay? oh i swear the fucking shit... I do not know..


God... Please help me overcome from this confusion... seriously.. I AM GOING TO BE 20 in less than 2 weeks... and I am still getting preoccupied with this SHIT... OMG... I am going to get really crazy soon..